{Growing Up}

Growing up I have always been known as the "chubby" one..Even when I was a size 4 it seemed to still not be small enough..My mother always {to this day} discusses my weight as soon as we get together. Months could have passed since we last saw each other and the topic always goes to my "weight" I don't want this to sound like my mom is horrible..honestly she is not she is amazing. Single mom raised 3 of us and we always had more than we needed. Or did we? Material things, a roof over our head , college education, new cars it was all there, what we didn't have was personal time with her. She was so busy working extremely hard we hardly saw her and when we did there was always a personal disconnection. She was not the person you could sit and chat to, specially about personal things. She was strong willed, judgemental and hard headed but that was Mom.Her way was always the right way. Growing up this way I always said I will make sure I give my kids time over things and I always want them to love themselves for who they are because I really did miss that.

But honestly sometimes I find myself at home with my boys completely disconnected..I'm home but I am not giving them the real attention they need. I let unimportant things in life take over when really I have what is most important right here...

I get angry for allowing myself to do to them what I hated was done to me..so why am I doing it? It's a hard habit to break but I am determined to do it..after many times my oldest asking me to build Lego's with him I DID and it was AWESOME! then he started tickling me..normally I would ask him to stop but instead I tickled back and the laughter between the both of us what uncontrollable. The sound of my baby blaring through the basement.... AMAZING!

Breaking that mold is though but once you do there is no better feeling than realizing you are finally becoming who you are meant to be.

I love my mom and I Will always love her, I know she is trying hard to break that mold that was passed down to her, and I am here to make her laugh and re-discover herself too.

No one ever tells you how hard it is to be a mom its not only about taking care of your kids but rediscovering yourself as a person.


thankful,
Flying Seal

{Change}

I received this in an email today and wow just felt it was written directly to me. I loved it so much I wanted to share, maybe it will have the same meaning for you too!

"As we transition into this colorful season of fall, I can only help remind myself how change is such a part of our lives.  By accepting and allowing yourself to enjoy the change that is so evidently upon us, will keep you vital to the world we live in now.So as autumn blows in and changes the color of the leaves, bringing darkness upon us sooner then we want, lets just step back and enjoy the moments when we catch them and delight in the awareness we find ourselves a part of."

-Mariann Kirch

{Baking through it}

Baking is so relaxing..I just love it. today I needed a little distress and fun with my boys while my hubby worked late and decided to make these muffins. They are so easy and yummy!! Best part was delivering the neighbors some too  :) Here is the recipe.. Enjoy!

Chocolate Pumpkin Mini-Muffins

(makes approx 18 large or 43 mini muffins)

1 box chocolate cake mix
1 can (15 oz) pumpkin
1/2 c mini chocolate chips
2 egg whites
2 TBSP water
mini chocolate chips to garnish

Preheat the oven to 375°.
Spray the insides of your muffin liners with no stick pray, otherwise the muffins will stick to the paper. Place in muffin tins.

In a large bowl, whisk the egg whites until a little foamy.

Add in the remaining ingredients and stir until well-blended. Use an ice cream scoop to fill prepared baking cups. Bake for about 18-20 minutes until a toothpick comes out clean.

Sprinkle with a few mini chocolate chips as soon as they come out of the oven!

Remove from pans and let cool on a rack.

{Eshausted}

In the last months I have felt more tired than normal, I mean just plain exhausted! No motivation to work out or do anything. If It was up to me I would lay in bed all day and sleep. At first I felt like a lazy mom, then I felt like an awful mom...now I feel justified...
lEvery article I read about systemic lupus talks about how exhaustion is one of the most prominent symptoms of the disease.I had no idea, but it made sense because I was never this tired, even pregnant. In a way I guess I feel like I should be ok with feeling this way, especially after seeing it on "paper" but honestly I still feel like it's an excuse. I should be able to push through it,but I can't.  It becomes unbelievably frustrating not to have the energy that I had and most of all  I look at myself and feel gross.

I hope and pray that I can come to terms with what is now part of me but everyday it seems more difficult.

This morning I was so exhausted and in pain I could not even get out of bed. This was probably the worst yet. Funny thing I felt like a horrible mother not making breakfast for my kindergartner and then my husband had to stay home to watch the little one I was so upset about this more than the fact that I was having a "flare"..finally around noon It subsided enough where I could function "normally" and took the little one to a playdate trying to savage some of the day and my dignity as a parent. I tried my hardest but started to feel worse. I had to come home and lay down again..so frustrating...

I haven't asked "why me" until today and honestly I am still angry..angry at myself...I feel its my fault that this is all happening...I pray I can let this mindset go and remember I am NOT in control...

Exhausted,

Flying Seal

{New Day New Begining}

Wow..what a weekend..an emotional roller coaster...

The constant pain of this illness flaring did not make for a positive 2 days.

My hubby decided he had enough of me crying and researching so he surprised me and we went on a date. This was needed by both of us, specially since moving so far away from our family and friends we had not had much time for just the two of us.

A nice dinner and a funny movie, most of all time with my one true love..the reason to be thankful and not sad and mopey. To top it off I came home to a sweet  surprise..a fruit flower arrangement with a loving note from two of the most amazing friends I love and miss dearly!!

It's amazing how something like this makes you have a new outlook on life..I'm still not sure what all will happen but for today It's a new day and a new beginning for us all..

Thankful for being loved,

Flying Seal

{The News}

Yesterday I received confirmation...a long awaited diagnosis..a reason to explain my illnesses in the last year and a half..

Systemic Lupus

I heard it, I see the diagnosis on paper, I feel it, but I don't want to believe it.

My thoughts go all over..is it deadly? is it forever? what do I do to treat it? will it effect my kids? how will I cope without my family and friends near?can we have more children? is this real? I feel like an awful person for doing this to my family...

I have read numerous articles, had a sleepless night trying to research and educate myself. I learned why it took so long to finally make a diagnosis and also I learned I had so many of the "signs" so why was this the last option in testing?

I KNOW there will be some rough days, but I also know there will be more great days.

At the same time I feel a sense of peace the last year and a half has been awful. From meningitis to high blood pressure to tumors in several parts of my body and even surgery. Sometimes I thought maybe it was all in my head? that I was being a lazy mother and wife and things were just made up..this many things could not happen to one person in one year right? I must be a hypochondriac..But every time I felt ill they always found something "huge" I now know it was not in my head, and it was not made up, it's all been too real.

I still have so much to learn about it and decide what treatments I will doing. It's scary knowing so many of the meds cause other issues that you have to weigh the options seriously. not only for me but for my family.

I hope that I can always be strong about this. Even when I need help..that is the hardest struggle for me..I'm the one who wants to help others not receive it. I feel weak as a person when I have to rely on others, I know I shouldn't but I do.

I feel so overwhelmed but encouraged,

Flying Seal

{Really Enjoying Time}

Today I got to spend the morning with my youngest. He has not been feeling the best the last few days and to be honest at times it was very hard to deal with my whinny son. I constantly had to remind myself to calm down and this too shall pass. I was doing my "Mommy duties" making sure he had his medicine, covered him on the couch, brought him a drink and played movies. Or was I? Finally this morning I was exhausted being up all night checking on him and when I finally fell sleep he woke up...he cried and whinned some more and by this point I had had enough.

Things turned for the worse when Daddy left to take brother to school and he lost it and I lost it...I left the room for a bit and started to cry.. why was I crying I kept asking myself and then I realized..My baby is sick he wants to be held loved and told things are OK..all I have been doing is caring for his physical needs not his emotional ones..What kind of mom am I? am I loosing sight?...I came back to the room and layed with him on the couch, just loving him, holding him, letting him know his mommy was there. Immediately he held my hand and we both layed there for about 2 hours. The laundry and everything else can wait..because honestly I have been so focused on the wrong things. My babies wont be babies forever so why am I allowing myself to miss out on them so much?

Focused,
Flying Seal

{ A Personal Project Begins}

Today I begin a Personal Project..a place where I can come to..release my thoughts and feelings..be grateful and scared..A place there is no limits.

To often I stop myself from letting the feelings out, in fear of being burnable,judged or misunderstood.  A good friend suggested to me to blog about whatever I felt, was thankful for or anything that helped me release during this tough time in my life...

So here I go, not sure where this will take me, honestly there is a little nervousness setting in..I'm not a writer and probably the worst speller..but hey no one's perfect right?


Ready to fly,
Flying Seal