{The News}

Yesterday I received confirmation...a long awaited diagnosis..a reason to explain my illnesses in the last year and a half..

Systemic Lupus

I heard it, I see the diagnosis on paper, I feel it, but I don't want to believe it.

My thoughts go all over..is it deadly? is it forever? what do I do to treat it? will it effect my kids? how will I cope without my family and friends near?can we have more children? is this real? I feel like an awful person for doing this to my family...

I have read numerous articles, had a sleepless night trying to research and educate myself. I learned why it took so long to finally make a diagnosis and also I learned I had so many of the "signs" so why was this the last option in testing?

I KNOW there will be some rough days, but I also know there will be more great days.

At the same time I feel a sense of peace the last year and a half has been awful. From meningitis to high blood pressure to tumors in several parts of my body and even surgery. Sometimes I thought maybe it was all in my head? that I was being a lazy mother and wife and things were just made up..this many things could not happen to one person in one year right? I must be a hypochondriac..But every time I felt ill they always found something "huge" I now know it was not in my head, and it was not made up, it's all been too real.

I still have so much to learn about it and decide what treatments I will doing. It's scary knowing so many of the meds cause other issues that you have to weigh the options seriously. not only for me but for my family.

I hope that I can always be strong about this. Even when I need help..that is the hardest struggle for me..I'm the one who wants to help others not receive it. I feel weak as a person when I have to rely on others, I know I shouldn't but I do.

I feel so overwhelmed but encouraged,

Flying Seal