{Eshausted}

In the last months I have felt more tired than normal, I mean just plain exhausted! No motivation to work out or do anything. If It was up to me I would lay in bed all day and sleep. At first I felt like a lazy mom, then I felt like an awful mom...now I feel justified...
lEvery article I read about systemic lupus talks about how exhaustion is one of the most prominent symptoms of the disease.I had no idea, but it made sense because I was never this tired, even pregnant. In a way I guess I feel like I should be ok with feeling this way, especially after seeing it on "paper" but honestly I still feel like it's an excuse. I should be able to push through it,but I can't.  It becomes unbelievably frustrating not to have the energy that I had and most of all  I look at myself and feel gross.

I hope and pray that I can come to terms with what is now part of me but everyday it seems more difficult.

This morning I was so exhausted and in pain I could not even get out of bed. This was probably the worst yet. Funny thing I felt like a horrible mother not making breakfast for my kindergartner and then my husband had to stay home to watch the little one I was so upset about this more than the fact that I was having a "flare"..finally around noon It subsided enough where I could function "normally" and took the little one to a playdate trying to savage some of the day and my dignity as a parent. I tried my hardest but started to feel worse. I had to come home and lay down again..so frustrating...

I haven't asked "why me" until today and honestly I am still angry..angry at myself...I feel its my fault that this is all happening...I pray I can let this mindset go and remember I am NOT in control...

Exhausted,

Flying Seal